The Floor Is Not Lava

I cannot emphasize this enough: the floor is not lava. It never was lava. That was just a game we were playing as kids. The floor is simply just the floor and I cannot extend my apologies more than I already am that you thought it was actually lava. It is not lava. It might be a carpeted floor or hardwood.

Oh, it is hardwood? Reclaimed pine? That's excellent. Wait, why then, if you knew it was reclaimed pine, did you think the floor was lava? Unless the pine was reclaimed from the depths of a volcano then--

--Oh it was reclaimed from the depths of a volcano? Yes, that makes it closer to lava, but I'm afraid it still isn't technically lava. The floor, in your particular case, is wood that was in lava. I can understand why you were perhaps more confused than others but surely you understand that the floor itself is not lava. Besides, and not to harp on this too much (I hope I'm not embarrassing you) did you really think lava could support the weight of a house?

Well, yes, you're right the floor is not necessarily integral to the structure of a house. Yes, I am aware that Maasai villages in central Africa use cow dung to line their floors and walls, but I think that distracts from the point I'm trying to make. I guess, what I'm trying to say is that a ground floor is not integral to the support structure of a house, but a lava floor would definitely be destructive to a house's internal framing. You can't argue against that.

Okay, now to suggest the walls are ceiling are also lava is outlandish. Now you're mocking me. Aside from that being an insane statement to make, it wouldn't even be conceivable in the reality of the children's game, the floor is lava. We'd have to call it "everything is lava." If everything were lava, well then good fuckin' luck. The kiddos are all dead if everything is lava. Imagine a game where the kids just pretend to slowly die from drowning in lava.

Yes, you're right, they would probably burn before they drown, but I don't want to be that guy who corrects children on how they play a game. If a kid is already playing "everything is lava" and deciding in their spare time to pretend to painfully die, I'm not going to come in, ruin the fun and suggest they ought to burn instead of drown.

Though, hey!, that's just me. And I guess if that's the mentality I'm taking on, then sure, if you want the floor to actually be lava. Just, and this is all I ask, don't scream that any time someone walks into your office, okay?

Okay, great. Yes, if you could shut the door on your way out, I'm about to take my lunch break. Thank you, see you at the staff meeting in an hour.